Lord be with me now. As my heart feels like its breaking but it’s not. I just sent my daughters off on a plane to visit my son and grandson. I am grateful for my older daughter who gives Zoeys fun times. One day doors will open and I will not be sitting here alone. One day I will laugh with my kids. God will open the doors to provision and I will hold my grandson hug my son and do fun things with my kids. But at least even if for today there is no provision for me to celebrate with them, at least they get to go be together.
First time away from Zoey like this since we left for witness relocation. I do miss my kids. FOr so many years when they were little, I had no money and their dad and his big family did, casualties of divorce. I wasn’t selfish. I wasn’t going to have them sit alone with me when they could be off with a big family. It seemed cruel. Love gives it doesn’t take. The only flaw with that is they have no memories of me. So rather than having them sit in poverty with me, so I worked day and night to take care of them and provide and sent them off to live the life I couldn’t. to have holidays with his family since I had none thinking one day they will grow up and we will all be together. It hasn’t worked out like that. While they were little, I was the atm machine. I was a slave dog worker who gave and gave and then came home and cried alone.
All I have ever wanted was family. To laugh create memories with them so that one day they would have a pocket full of dreams that we shared. This is hard today sending them off on a plane.
The lie in my head I will not bite on is that I will never have a vacation or a time with my family. But that’s a lie. Its okay to feel this pain. Its ok that the tears are pouring. It doesn’t mean I am looking back and being stuck. It means I trust God enough to cry with him. The family is so important. I hear people all the time oh I have no family and I’m like why not. There are those of us who literally have no family and then there are those who decide to throw their family away and all I can say is DONT DO IT! I don’t care what they did. I don’t care what their annoyance is. A family is the greatest treasure one could have next to God.
Do recognize this is my heart cry as I write this. I have waited a lifetime to have a family around me and laugh. I may wait for eternity or tomorrow I could wake up and God could open doors and I could have opportunities and my life could instantly change and instead of sending my daughter off to go live a life with her grown-up siblings and watching the generations go on without me still. maybe He will send Zoey and I on a mission trip, Maybe a roller coaster, maybe Paris France, maybe Israel, Africa, Thailand? Who knows what God has up his sleeve. I don’t know He’s God I’m Linda. But this one thing I know I will choose even as tears pour of longing and hunger for what is given to me yet I have not been able to hold yet, I will say thank YOu Ogd. Please take the 48 years of deferred hope and wash me anew., Look I look to you and in you, I am not envious but I am jealous to have what is given to me from you God. I will wait on you and I will not shame myself for the contention I feel moving in me. Its the change I can feel it and I believe hope shall arise in my life. the fullness shall emerge. It cant do anything else because you’re the God of miracles and the greatest miracle isn’t that I may someday finally get my dreams. no no no. Its that I can hand to you all my shattered dreams and all the ones I cANt even see and choose to find a way to celebrate this moment right now.
ALone I never am though alone I have always been. Awakening is the lie falling and the greater truth emerging and maybe today is just another opportunity to say in you alone will I find my rest even in the lonely dark places of expectancy. I give you-you each day God my dreams. let you be my dream until I have right eyes to see. and then still let you be my dream.
Its the walk. we get the privilege to learn compassion in action. We get to be thankful for that which we can’t yet see while still saying, God, I live in whats in front of me as if it is eternity so my God let me in you this moment find my victory and keep my children save. Let them feel alive and full of wonder and thank you that they get to finally see one another. To you God I sing ayes and amen. I shall sing a new song until I become it.
I’ve made ridiculous money and I slept in the city streets as if I had no name because I served my country and my God and to me belongs no shame. I hold my head up high knowing my victory lives inside of me. that’s truth to my story. I don’t run to victory, I carry my victory inside of me. I with victory. I don’t care how it feels or how it looks that’s the reality to my dream, If I can’t live the dream then I’ll just have to become